So thanks to the CBFC and its head Sant Pahlaj Nihalani, Indian cinema houses will now screen a toned, 'Sanskaar-friendly', '50% saturated kiss-free' version of the latest James Bond flick - Spectre. The CBFC, which would rather show flowers coming together than two people making out on screen has snipped out sex/kissing scenes by almost 50% and also a few swear words from the movie, which means that the movie's running time has now been pared from the original length of 2.5 hours to maybe just over an hour and a half. That leaves us with not one, but two
boring family-oriented movies playing in multiplexes, the other being 'Prem Rotten Ratan Dhan Paayo'.
I'm sure if the CBFC, under Sant Nihalani, were ever given the choice to make changes to Bond flicks retrospectively, they'd jump at the opportunity.
In fact, rumours are afloat that the CBFC has reworked and retitled some Bond flicks of the past. They have also outright banned a few movies that they deemed were beyond repair. Some of these repackaged Sanskari Bond flicks are as follows:-
- Dr. No - Since CBFC chiefs traditionally take pride in saying 'no' to everything that passes under their noses, this movie has been reworked to look like Sant Nihalani's biography.
RussiaCBFC With LoveCuts - The plot revolves around a CBFC chief, who considers it his moral responsibility to censor any and every thing that comes his way. The movie features a controversial scene in which Sant Nihalani goes scissor-happy on a movie scene featuring a guy milking a gaai, only because it technically involved the display of bare teats.
FingerUnglee - The CBFC initially set out to Sanskaarify it with a desi translation, but since doing unglee on screen was not a sanskaari thing to do, they eventually decided to ban it.
- Thunder Ball - Another banned flick...because thunder thighs and 'balls' are too sexual for Indian audiences.
- You Only
LiveKiss Twice - The release of this movie was a mistake. The CBFC decided to re-release an old Bond movie in its original format, albeit with a million cuts. However, they forgot to cut two kissing scenes. Since it was too late to make amends by the time they noticed the faux pas, they gave the movie an apt title. But hey, they gave the movie an 'A' rating as well.
Her Majesty'sMaata Raani's Secret Service - A musical movie on Satsangs, Maata Ki Chowkis and Jaagrans, featuring the effervescent Shri Narendra Chanchal in a leading role. On overwhelming demand from the Indian Catholic community, another version of the movie, with the title "On Mother Mary's Secret Service" is being planned. DiamondsMangal Sutras Are Forever - The movie is a tribute to the ever-loyal, faithful till death sanskaari Indian biwi, who stands by her hubby by all means, even if he's Lucifer-ka-baap and has 'koti-koti' misdemeanours to his credit.
- Live And Let Die - Was rechristened as 'Jeeyo Aur Marney Do'. Since the title eventually did not suit their agenda, they decided to sell its rights to either movie channels screening dubbed/poorly-translated South Indian movies, or the Ramsey Brothers.
- The Man With The Golden
GunShorts - This movie is a tribute to a group whose cadres wear khaki shorts and serve only one section of the nation.
- The Spy Who Loved Me - Since the movie was assumed to revolve around a spy and his love making, and because the CBFC was too freaked out to actually check, they decided to play safe. Accordingly, the movie now only consists of opening and closing credits.
- Moonraker - A movie about Karwa Chauth - It's All About Loving Your Hubby
YourDesi Eyes Only - As the title suggests, this movie has been strategically and intelligently reworked to include images of bees, flowers coming together, birds chasing each other and other subliminal imagery to suit the Indian sensitivity. The CBFC was smart enough to show a few scenes of hands and feet rubbing, just to tease audiences and to alleviate sagging ticket sales
- Octopussy - Banned, because a movie about 'pussies' is evil.
- A View To Kill - A movie about getting rid of em no-good beef eaters
- The Living
DaylightsDiyas - A documentary on the power of prayer
- License To Kill - A sequel to #14
GoldenRed Eye - A medical documentary on Conjunctivitis
- Tomorrow Never Dies - A movie about an Indian businessman who keeps delaying payments to his vendors, employees and lenders by saying the cliched ''Kal Pakka''. Featuring a Vijay Mallya lookalike
- The World Is Not Enough - An engaging and popular story about a Prime Minister who loves globe-trotting
- Die Another Day - A sequel to the hugely popular #14 and #16
- Casino Royale - Gambling is bad...banned!
- Quantum of
SolaceSo Less - A movie made by the CBFC to poke fun at and troll 'perverted' minds who criticise the CBFC and its snip-happy ways. The story reveloves around the dismay faced by Bond movie fans who complain that the CBFC cuts leave "so less" (sic) to watch in the movie
- Skyfall - The movie is portrayed to be based on true life incidents. The story revolves around an aircraft from ancient Vedic times that enters Indian skies during Kalyug, but is tragically brought down by ugly high-flying political hoardings
Fancy watching any of these? I'm not a big James Bond fan...frankly speaking I haven't watched a single Bond movie till date, but I don't mind watching any of these CBFC-certified versions if you give me company.